Mood:
Tired but feeling like I had a lot of things to accomplish and not a lot of time to accomplish them in. Husband and Oldest were headed off to a racing thing today, but not till later, so the day was supposed to start like a normal workday but was supposed to stop mid-day and revolve around getting them on the road. Youngest was particularly exuberant about the packing but did not pick up on the fact that she wasn’t going until it was time for them to roll down the road. Meanwhile there’s a work event tomorrow involving my department, and while it wasn’t looking like I would be necessary to do much about it today, it felt disappointing and wrong to be skipping out early. There was a sense of uncertainty and anticipation about the work event.
Breakfast:
- What I ate: Dutch.
- Hunger Before: No.
- Satisfaction After: I didn’t finish, and I didn’t feel overfull.
- Dining Experience: 3/5. I was drinking it in front of a computer after all, but it was calm while I got my email skimmed and sorted.
- Why/Thought: wanted to feel prepared going into work.
Lunch:
- What I ate: triscuit nachos.
- Hunger Before: I did have hunger pangs before hand. I was eating lunch around 4pm.
- Satisfaction After: I finished. I didn’t feel overfull. I quit out of disinterest.
- Dining Experience: 4/5. Oldest was having a hard time dealing with someone in our family and we actually had an interesting discussion. I explained some of why that person was the way they were, and that if you assume that people are generally doing the best they can with what they have, this person deserves some grace, even if they are rather ridiculous. I also tried to explain that if she could keep the background issues in mind when that person got ridiculous, it made it easier to tolerate and navigate. I had given both girls some “ice cream” which was actually yogurt, berries, and milk frozen then processed in the ninja, so everyone was actually peacefully enjoying food. The internet was out so the TV stayed off. She told me she remembered an incident where this Ridiculous Person had said some extremely derogatory things to me in front of her at a vulnerable moment, an incident Ridiculous Person disavows ever happened. It was validating that she remembered that it was bad, although, it wasn’t something a child should have witnessed.
- Why/Thought: I was hungry, I knew I wasn’t going to make it to dinner, and I kept grazing. I thought it would be easier to have a small meal than argue with myself about knocking it off with the grazing.
Dinner:
- What I ate: burger, fries, Dr. Pepper.
- Hunger Before: No.
- Satisfaction After: I did not finish the burger or fries, but I wasn’t overly full, it was more disinterest.
- Dining Experience: 3.5/5. We took our Wendy’s over to the ocean to eat, while listening to an audiobook, trying to ignore that Husband and Oldest had headed off. I had hoped to enjoy it, but… Dog kept barking, annoying. And Youngest was clearly done with the day.
- Why/Thought: Youngest was very upset about not going, but I think she was also tired and possibly hungry. As I drove around she didn’t fall asleep so I needed to feed her and then it seemed silly (how did it seem silly, really?) to not feed myself. I was glad I didn’t finish it. Dog helped me out.
Snack:
- What I ate: at work, granola bar; at home, grazed on crackers.
- Hunger Before: no.
- Satisfaction After: I finished. I didn’t feel overfull.
- Dining Experience: 2/5. It was mindless grazing. I wasn’t present.
- Why/Thought: The granola bar was in a moment that I was feeling uncertain about what was the biggest priority, and because I knew I would need to leave work at any moment I was having a hard time settling into any tasks. The cracker grazing was becuase I was having a hard time settling into tasks there–I know better than to try to get busy with something when Husband is likely to pull me away from it when he’s trying to pack in a hurry. I tend to hang out in the kitchen when I’m home. I should contemplate that… why is it, and what affect does it have on my eating habits at home.
Wins:
There were a handful.
- Took stairs each time today.
- Stopped eating my burger and fries when I realized I was disinterested.
- Tried to make a point to consider how much I was enjoying or not enjoying my dining experiences.
- Discussion with Oldest, so validating. Also interesting to point out to her that people have these coping mechanisms and that mine is food and that maybe that’s not a great thing. It felt like explaining secrets of the universe.
- I am journalling!