I am a gal with goals. Big ones.
I don’t know how things exactly spiraled to where they are as I start this blog, but what I do know is that we can’t stay here like this, it’s not sustainable, and it’s long since past time I started digging out.
I’m a married Momma of two kids. I work full time, and my brain doesn’t really shut off about work just because the business day is over. Husband owns his own business and works his transom off as well. We live in a rural area in the Pacific Northwest, but I’m originally from the south.
Now, as far as what my goals are, here are some things I’m trying to change:
- I’m overweight. And by overweight, I mean that at 5’-7”, I am uncomfortably close to 300 pounds.
- Our financial picture is less than ideal. Credit card debt, a mortgage, and not nearly enough getting squirreled away for retirement and the kids’ future education.
- The house is a trainwreck. I am not a minimalist by any means and while I don’t come up to the standards of being on Hoarders, it’s not pretty folks.
- What goes on in my head is far less than ideal. The negative self-talk and self-bullying is absolutely not helping any of the above issues. And as a result, the concept of self-care is one that generally brings up shame and guilt. When you don’t feel great about yourself, treating yourself kindly just doesn’t sound like something you deserve.
For a long time I wondered what was wrong with me, and one thought was that maybe I had some form of ADHD. While we looked into it, to the person who was surveying my life to try to determine it decided that I wasn’t. I’m not sure what difference it would make if I was, certainly none on a functional basis. It might have been an “oh so that’s why…” and maybe I and others would cut me some slack, but unless I located resources that helped me specifically with my quirks it wouldn’t matter.
I’m taking a stand for the me that I am in this moment. I’ve been trying to for ages, and at times I’ve wanted to give up. But I’m putting this out there into the ether, an electronic message in a bottle, as a point of accountability, and in case there are others struggling with similar circumstances. I see you, feeling like a bit of an alien, wondering why if you’re so decently intelligent you can’t sort these things out.
In the end I hope my journey leads to a place where I feel like I have a handle on my quirks. Where I’m floating closer to my goals instead of further south. I hope it leads to a place where I at least feel hope instead of overwhelm, and joy instead of a consistent nagging shame. I hope it leads to a place where I actually know how to love myself unconditionally instead of excelling at kicking myself like a very dead horse. And I hope, if you’re starting in a similar place of overwhelm, that you also find ways to dig yourself.
You are welcome to ride along with me. If you should decide to interact, please be kind, or walk away silently.